Why Orgasms Can Feel Out of Reach For So Many Woman (And How To Make Them More Accessible)
As a Somatic Sexologist and Sexological Bodyworker, I regularly work with women who are having difficulty reaching orgasm.
Some can only reach orgasm under very specific conditions, such as only with a particular type of stimulation, or if their environment is just right, or only with certain partners. Some climaxed easily in the past, but find it almost impossible now. Others have never had an orgasm.
All of these experiences are far more common than you might imagine.
But, despite being one of the most common issues that women experience in their sex lives, difficulties reaching orgasm is something that many women struggle to talk about openly. Many of my clients express that they feel embarrassed or ashamed, or fear that it may cause their partner to feel inadequate.
Understanding the factors that influence your ability to reach orgasm (and what causes it to feel so unattainable at times) is one of the first steps we can take towards making orgasms more accessible for you.
What is Anorgasmia?
The clinical term for the persistent inability or difficulty to reach orgasm is anorgasmia. ‘Anorgasmia’ sounds like a rare and scary medical condition, but in reality, it’s incredibly common among women of all ages.
Anorgasmia refers to the persistent difficulty or inability to reach orgasm. It can affect people of any gender and can manifest in different forms:
Lifelong (primary): Orgasm has never been experienced.
Acquired (secondary): Orgasm was once possible but no longer occurs.
Situational: Orgasms happen only in certain contexts (like during masturbation, but not with a partner).
Generalised: Difficulty occurs in all situations, regardless of partner or setting.
Anorgasmia can stem from a wide variety of physical, emotional and psychological causes, all of which are treatable. If you are experiencing anorgasmia, know this: you're not broken, and you're not alone.
The Reality of Female Pleasure
Before we dive into unpacking causes of difficulties reaching orgasm and anorgasmia, it is important to acknowledge the reality of female pleasure.
Female sexual response is beautifully complex, but this complexity can sometimes feel like a challenge rather than a gift.
Unlike the male arousal pattern, which is usually a little more straightforward and predictable, women’s arousal patterns are often a lot more nuanced, with countless contributing factors.
For example, it can (and often does) require specific conditions, adequate time, and the right kind of emotional, and physical attention for a woman to become fully aroused in a way that leads to a satisfying orgasm. If that sounds familiar, know that your body isn't defective – it's sophisticated.
To be clear, if you cannot orgasm from penetration alone but can orgasm in other ways, such as from oral sex, masturbation, vibrator use, or clitoral stimulation, that is not a sign that something is wrong with you or that you’re defective, dysfunctional, or suffering from anorgasmia.
Approximately 70% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. This is largely due to our anatomy, as for most women penetration alone does not give the clitoris enough pressure or friction to orgasm. The idea that women should easily climax from penetration alone is a persistent myth.
Common Barriers to Orgasm
Through my work with countless women, I've identified several patterns that can interfere with orgasmic experience:
Physical and Timing Factors
You’re rushing into sexual activity without adequate foreplay and buildup. Women's bodies typically need extended time to become fully aroused, and when touch moves too quickly to the genitals, it can feel uncomfortable and harder to relax into enjoying it.
You aren't getting the specific type of stimulation that works for your unique body. There will be a very specific kind of touch, with the right angle, pressure and speed that will work for your body. Other forms of touch may not be able to take you there, which is why its important to learn what works for your body – and learn to communicate that with your partner.
Emotional and Mental Barriers
Your mind takes over with worrying and distracting thoughts. Pleasure often requires us to be ‘in’ our bodies, feeling rather than thinking about the experience. If we aren’t able to switch off from our thoughts, it can be very difficult to relax and surrender to pleasure. This can look like performance anxiety, negative body image, religious beliefs or upbringing, shame and guilt about sex, past experiences of sexual, emotional, or physical trauma.
You feel disconnected from your partner, or aren’t comfortable being vulnerable with them. Whether due to accumulated resentment, conflict, lack of trust, or because you struggle to be emotionally present with them during sex, feeling disconnected from your sexual partner can make it very difficult to reach orgasm.
Knowledge and Communication Gaps
You don’t know what types of touch bring you the most pleasure. If you’ve never got to know your body or explored your erotic desires, turn ons and turn offs, you may simply not know what your body need to reach orgasm.
You struggle to communicate your needs to your partner. Saying what feels good (and what doesn’t) can feel uncomfortable and awkward for a lot of women. And many of those who have tried communicating their needs with a partner have found that the conversation didn’t go as planned, because their partner was offended, upset, or not able to take their feedback on board.
Pressure and the idea that orgasms should look they do in porn. The myths about how female orgasm "should" work can cause women to feel defective or inadequate and can make you hyper-aware of your ‘failure’ to orgasm the way you think you should. For many women, the more pressure they put on themselves to orgasm, the more elusive it can become.
Pathways to Orgasm
Every woman's body offers multiple potential routes to orgasm. Experiencing regular orgasms is a learnable skill and It is possible to learn new routes to add to your existing ones. Clitoral stimulation is required for 70% of women and the clitoris remains the most reliable pathway for most women, but you might also get there through:
G-spot stimulation
Cervical contact
Nipple stimulation
Mental fantasy and erotic imagination
Combinations of different types of touch, movement, sound and breath.
Even with all the ‘right’ inputs, orgasms can still be very elusive. The more we chase it, the harder it becomes to grasp it. Learning to explore your body with curiosity rather than expectation seems to be a key part.
This is why it can be very helpful to have a self pleasure practice where you can explore what feels erotically pleasurable to you, without pressure of having the orgasm as a goal.
How Can a Somatic Sexologist Help You?
Experiencing regular orgasms is a learnable skill. Just like any other aspect of your health and well-being, it often improves with the right information, practice, and sometimes professional guidance.
A somatic sexologist can guide you in learning how to make orgasms more accessible and easier to experience, both alone and with a partner. This specialised approach combines practical tools with body-based techniques to help you experience what you learn on your own body rather then just talking about it.
What you'll learn:
Body Connection and Relaxation
Through breathwork and embodiment practices, you'll develop skills to help your body relax and become more comfortable with higher states of pleasure and arousal. These techniques will help with quieting mental chatter and help you surrender to the moment.
Self-Exploration, Expression and Touch
You'll learn practices for self-touch and masturbation, how to make sounds in a way that feels good, rather than sounds good, move your body freely and discover more about what inputs feel good for your unique body. This includes guidance on incorporating vibrators and other tools, both for solo exploration and with partners.
Communication and Receiving
A somatic sexologist teaches you how to ask for what you want and how to relax when receiving touch from others. You'll also learn how to give feedback and guidance when receiving touch, and how to redirect your partner to the touch that feels best for you.
Fantasy and Desire
You'll explore your fantasies and identify what kind of mental lubrication works for you. Mental stimulation can be fantasies, and can also be a certain feeling or emotion that helps you feel more aroused. You will learn how to incorporate your fantasies in an embodied way that is still connected and present with your partner.
Hands-On Learning
Sexological Bodyworker can offer touch-based bodywork, providing a safe space to learn how to receive pleasure and orgasm from someone else’s touch through professional, therapeutic techniques. This approach can help you understand how trauma or past experiences affect current sexual response, and learn how to undo the negative memory it left in your nervous system.
Taking the Next Step
You don't have to figure this out alone or settle for unsatisfying sexual experiences. Many women who felt stuck in this area have successfully learned to have more frequent and easier orgasms. The techniques work, and with consistent practice, most women see real improvement.
Ready to begin your journey toward greater sexual satisfaction?
Contact me to schedule a consultation and discover how personalised sexological support can help you unlock your body's pleasure potential.