Podcast: The Art of Staying With Pleasure. Ft. Ilil Lunkry & Serafin Upton
"We can’t make shame disappear instantly. But we can loosen its grip by meeting it with love and acceptance."
— Ilil LunkryI recently sat down with Couples & Relationship Therapist Serafin Upton for a refreshingly honest chat about what really happens in our bodies during sex – especially when things feel off.
From performance anxiety to emotional disconnection and the role of the nervous system, this is a conversation that offers insight, relief, and a whole new way of thinking about intimacy.
"Being deeply in your own pleasure—being witnessed in that—is one of the most vulnerable and connecting things we can do.”
— Serafin Upton
Tune in now to hear the full conversation:
This podcast is especially for you if:
You’ve struggled with performance anxiety or maintaining an erection
You find it difficult to relax or fully enjoy sex, even when you want to
You're in a relationship where intimacy feels disconnected or pressured
You’ve ever felt like sex was more stressful than pleasurable
You’re curious about somatic sexology and how it works
What You’ll Gain:
A clearer understanding of why your body sometimes shuts down during sex and how that’s not a failure, but a nervous system response
Insight into how anxiety, shame, and overthinking disrupt pleasure and what you can do about it
An explanation of why rushing to orgasm can actually be a form of avoidance
An honest look at how pleasure can feel overwhelming or even frightening and how to approach that gently
A glimpse into what happens in a somatic sexology session and how body-based work helps people reconnect
Key Moments From the Conversation:
What Is a Somatic Sexologist?
Ilil explains how she works with breath, touch, and body awareness to help people reconnect with themselves — not just through talk, but through direct bodily experience.
Why Talking Isn’t Always Enough
Talk therapy has its limits. When it comes to physical arousal or performance issues, the body often needs to feel safety rather than simply understand it intellectually.
What’s Happening in Your Nervous System
A simple breakdown of how your nervous system regulates (or dysregulates) arousal — and why that matters more than just "trying harder."
The Urge to Rush
Why people often rush towards orgasm or mentally check out when things begin to feel good — and what that reveals about deeper avoidance patterns.
When Pleasure Feels Like Too Much
It’s surprisingly common to feel guilt, shame, or even fear as pleasure builds. You’re not broken — and you’re not alone.
Letting Yourself Be Seen
Being witnessed in your pleasure is one of the most vulnerable things we can do — and also one of the most deeply connecting.
Sex Work vs. Somatic Sexology
Ilil shares how somatic sexology differs from sex work — and how clear ethical boundaries and consent keep it safe, grounded, and educational.
Creating Safety in Sessions
Consent, structure, and professional support are all key. This work isn’t about “fixing” you — it’s about helping your body feel safe enough to soften and explore.
Shame and the Nervous System
Shame isn’t just emotional. It lives in the body. Recognising how it shows up physically is the first step in loosening its grip.
Meeting Shame With Care
Shame can’t be banished by positive thinking — but when met with presence and gentleness, something in us starts to shift.
Core Themes to Take Away
Performance struggles are more about nervous system regulation than personal willpower.
Letting go during sex is a skill, but most of us have never been taught how to do it.
Intimacy deepens when we move away from performance and towards presence.
Shame is a natural response and it can be softened through awareness and compassion.
Your body isn’t broken, it may just need safer conditions and better tools.